The Illinois state Senate voted unanimously today in the impeachment trial of Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich.

He couldn't possibly have been a good governor... he looks like a Who from Whoville.

Governor Blagojevich (for those of you who pay no attention to the news and/or PerezHilton.com) was accused of trying to sell the Senate seat formerly held by President Barack Obama. During the trial, Blagojevich claimed that he “did nothing wrong” and that there is really no sufficient evidence to convict him. 

Blah, blah, Blahgojevich. Your feelings are really none of my concern. We have bigger fish to fry. Elisabeth Hasselbeck from “The View” announced today that she is preggers. Which means, pretty soon she’ll be on maternity leave. Which means, there’s a seat open. And THAT seat is going to need to be filled.

I have some outstanding debts that need to be “taken care of” and I know a guy at ABC [actually, I know a girl who knows a guy at ABC]. Well Mr. Blagojevich, I have JUST the job for you! Personally, I think “Blagojevich, Behar, & Goldberg” has a nice ring to it (or it just sounds like a bad injury law firm).

So, B-Dog (can I call you B-Dog?) give me a ring. Let’s work something out. My phone is always open.

My friend Ryan and I have been doing comedy together since the fall of 2003. We both live in Richmond, VA. We both love writing. We both love the news. BUT we hate facts. So we have decided to put together a news show. Check out our first episode here. I also posted the video on my “videos” page. Ironic, eh?

We're technologically-savvy, too!

Oh, and I updated my links section, too. Awesome. OH, AND I fixed my resume page. Even more AWESOME.

PS: Where’s all this snow people keep talking about?

2009. WOW. I think 2009 is, so far, promising to be an innovative year. With the inauguration of the first African-American president, the rise and fall of gas prices, citizens becoming more fiscally responsible, the conversion to all-digital television, and with the invention of the new Chipotle iPhone application, Americans are constantly thinking FORWARD. How can we work together to IMPROVE our lives? How can we improve the lives of others? Ah, it really makes one feel all warm and gooey inside. [It also makes me wanna snack on an orange glazed cinnamon roll].

Truthfully, it is my feeling that the best way to find out what people are thinking is to survey them. Right? Well, I guess that all depends on WHAT you are surveying and whether or not that survey is worth my time, your time, our time, time in general.

WELL, according to a recent survey, Sarah Palin was considered to be the most desired person Americans would want to live next door to. (Side NOTE: REALLY? You mean to tell me that money was actually put into the campaign of surveying people about this ridiculous question. WHO CARES? Seriously. Is this on the for realz?) Back to the subject at hand. Honestly, I think these results are interesting. Sure, she’s “cute,” “charming,” and “pitbull-like,” but let us consider for a moment what it would REALLY be like to have Sarah Palin as your neighbor.

She's not crazy, she's a maverick!

(These are not ranked in any sort of particular order. It’s simply a list of things I think might happen.) 

1. Hockey parties. Who doesn’t love a night over at the Palin’s with her Todd in the kitchen making stir fry and the rugrats running around the house while Piper judges them. Meanwhile, the neighbs are sitting in the family room discussing the Canes and how they are just like the Mighty Ducks. Be cautious however about getting too excited, you never know when someone might go into labor. 

2. Fresh bull. This is sort of a double entendre, if you will. Sare (my new nickname for Madame Palin) will not only grill the fresh bull/moose/bison/porpous etc. that she shot that day, but she will also dish out fresh bull…sh*t. You know, buttering you up. Like how she ate that entire fruitcake you made her when she moved onto your street. How she got her new suit at the local thrift store. That new haircut you got, just FABULOUS *wink*. Oh, and she can’t see you changing in your bedroom from her living room. We know this is a lie, because Sare sees all. She is the all-seeing and omniscient Sare. 

3. Innovative nicknames. The fact that she named her own kids names such as Trig, Track, Willow, Lawn, etc… we know she will absolutely be innovative in her naming of you and yours. 

++++

Well, no matter what, you know Sare would be a loyal neighbor. Always participating in neighborhood watch meetings, block parties, and social gatherings. And let’s be honest, she’d be a better gubernatorial neighbor than Mr. Rod Blagojevich.

All for now.

As I get older and enjoy the History channel more and more, I begin to reflect on the end of days. [I think I've watched that special on Nostradamus and December 21, 2012 one too many times.] Undoubtedly, there are countless theories regarding the demise of the world: armageddon, the world blowing up (or something), the end of the Mayan calendar, and of course the most popular: THE RAPTURE.

When the rapture comes, can I have your dog?

There are a multitude of fears and unknowns surrounding the ever-looming second coming of Christ. When? What will happen? What will it be like? And it goes without saying, what about those who are left behind?

Well, you know when the rapture does come a-knockin’, my first thought will go to those left in the wake to serve at the mercy of evil for 7 years. Clearly I’m going to need to get ahold of those people I care about and I will want them to receive an encouraging note from me during the tribulation. (“Hey _____, sorry you didn’t make the cut. Luv ya!”) But how will I ever get the message to them if I am in Heaven and they are on earth? Well, thankfully I was able to stumble across this: The Post-Rapture Post. YES! I am now posthumously and/or post-rapturely able to send my loved ones who did not accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior a letter letting them know that I love them, will miss them, good luck with the Antichrist, etc… Now, you may be wondering, “How will my loved ones receive my letter if I am in Heaven? How will I know they have read it?” The answer is FAITH, my friend. Oh, and the creators of the Post-Rapture Post are non-believers. Ergo, they’ll do the dirty work and send it off for you! Oh, and one more thing, due to the separation of Church and State, the United States Postal Service will still be up and running; so you can rest assured, your letter will be handled with care and in the hands of your loved ones in 3-5 business days.

Okay, now for those of you who are a part of Gen-Y, you’re probably saying to yourself, “Ew. Snail mail. That is sooo not cool even when the world is under the control of the Antichrist. I ONLY email.” Well, look no further, because someone already thought of that! I present to you: You’ve Been Left Behind.

Because when snail mail fails, GMAIL prevails!

You’ve Been Left Behind is a service geared towards the technologically-savvy believer. For $40 a year (assuming the Antichrist is still circulating American currency), you can send an email to no more than 62 friends, family, and disgruntled co-workers EXACTLY 6 days after the rapture. In contrast to the Post-Rapture Post, this service is run BY believers. How it works is that the You’ve Been Left Behind server is run by a proxy, and if the program is not logged-into for 6 consecutive days, the server will automatically send the emails you paid for. So, when your loved ones are roaming earth after being left behind and they say, “You know, I haven’t checked my email in a few days. I wonder if I have anymore Twitter followers…” They will log-on, read your note of love, and that will make them feel great.

I know I sleep better at night with the knowledge that my loved ones will roam earth for 7 years knowing how I felt about them. Meanwhile, I’ll be in Heaven high-fiving Jesus. 

All for now.

Now, I don’t want to be known as the girl who just discusses innovative infomercial products or plays the role of Captain Obvious. BUT, I couldn’t pass this one up. Passing this one up would be like passing up a free Chipotle burrito, and Lord knows I would NEVER do that. 

You may have seen this infomercial before. Apparently it’s a pretty well known product. However, I just got wind of it. It was even featured on the Ellen Degeneres Show. Wait a tick, so was the Cheers to YOU! CD… hm, I’m sensing a theme. Anyway, enough rif raf. Here it is:

The Hawaii Chair. You’ve guessed it, a chair that works your abs while you’re doing other things. Practical? No. Incredibly hilarious? Yes.

I really wanted to add some of my own commentary on this innovative product. But frankly, this one speaks for itself. Anything I could possibly think of to say is inevitably trumped by the image of corporate America swiveling rapidly while filing paperwork or discussing TPS reports via conference call. Am I right?

Ah, oh well. All for now.

You know it’s 2009, and lately I’ve been feeling down. Maybe it’s seasonal affective disorder (SAD). Maybe it’s the crumbling economy. Maybe it’s the fear of the future of my 401K. Maybe it’s the fear of the unknown. Heck, maybe it’s the fact that I’ve eaten peanut butter and jelly everyday for the last month. Well, regardless of the source of my sadness, I’ve been on the search, nay, the HUNT for a solution to my problems. 

I have made lists, set goals, invested in my personal fulfillment, ate a lot of burritos, but nothing has really seemed to work. I still find it hard to get up in the morning, even dreading the 17-minute drive to work.

Well, I think a positive change of course is FINALLY in the cards for me! Because I spent $24.95 on THIS:

That’s right! It’s the CHEERS TO YOU CD. A fantastic audio tape full of applause, cheers, and encouraging statements. Phrases such as, “YOU CAN DO IT!” “The finish line is closer than you think!” and of course, “HOORAY for YOU!” That’s enough audible encouragement to make ANYONE feel better about themselves. 

I'm awesome. Look, even my jewelry says so!

I was skeptical at first, truly. I thought to myself, “There’s no way this could work. Things are just too tough right now.” BUT then I found out about the Puzzle Shaped Affirmative Tokens. With the purchase of my Cheers to You! audio CD, I got THREE FREE tokens inscribed with positive statements. I mean, they’re even called “AFFIRMATIVE” tokens. You can’t get anymore definitive and encouraging than that.

I think I might even get a Cheers to You! CD for all the people in my life.

I always knew I was the missing piece to the world-puzzle. 

All for now.

It’s back. The blog, that is. Except, she (yes, my blog is a lady) is revamped. She’s brand new. Like a shiny penny or something. It’s 2009 and I’ve decided that it’s about time I upped the ante. Ya heard? Keep checking back here for updates and changes.

I’m going to go ahead and admit right now that I have an internet and social networking addiction. Facebook, Twitter, and my new discovery: TUMBLR. Tumblr is awesome. I’m new to it, so bear with me. 

I wanted to start off the new year with some new bits. Palin bits, that is. (That sort of sounds dirty. No?) Ah, innuendo. So here we go with the first Sarah Palin bit of the year. 

All for now.