This week’s episode of Forget the FACTS features: News! Headlines! Mardis Gras! Jessica Simpson! and Fish Bits! 

Awesome. Oh, and you definitely need to check out this video from one of the shows I did at the North Carolina Comedy Arts Festival. Click here to view it. It’s money.

Made of BEES improv (photo by Kevin Thom)

I’m back from some of the best five days… ever. The North Carolina Comedy Arts Festival rocked. Groups from all over North America came to showcase their talent. Richmond, VA was proud to have three troupes and a ComedySportz team representin’. Check out the professional photos from photographer Kevin Thom.

A lot of awesome and hilarious things coming up in the next few weeks, so keep checking back.

Here are some things you should check out in the meantime:

http://www.madeofbeesimprov.com
http://youtube.com/forgetthafacts
http://www.misterdiplomat.com

All for now.

Yep. Forget the FACTS is back with another awesome episode bringing YOU opinions and bits, NOT facts. Check it out.

If you like it, tell everyone. If you don’t, tell them anyway.

Yep, the car has been cleaned, my bags are packed, and we are ready to HIT THE ROAD TO NORTH CAROLINA for the comedy festival! WOOP! I should probably put gas in my car though before I leave…

I will be posting from the festival with updates, so keep checking back!

All for now.

Alright. So I won’t be getting “nakie” next week, but I will be making people laugh. A lot. That’s right folks, on Wednesday, February 18th, 2009 my two thumbs and I will be hopping in my Volkswagon Rabbit and driving approximately 2.15 hours to Carrboro, North Carolina for the 9th Annual North Carolina Comedy Arts Festival (NCCAF, formerly known as the Dirty South Improv Festival).

And now, with more PINK!

This is a huge honor for me and I couldn’t be more excited. I was totally pumped to have a, what I like to call, warm-up, performing in the Richmond Improv Festival in both May and November of 2008, but performing at NCCAF is something I have dreamed of for a long time.

So, if you are within, oh let’s say, a two hour radius of Carrboro/Chapel Hill, NC, you should make the trek down/up/sideways to see me and over 500 other amaaaaazing improvisers from all across the country, AND CANADA!, perform. Some of these improvisers I have looked up to for a long time, and to have the opportunity to share the stage with some of them is truly going to be the experience of a lifetime for me.

These are the times that I will be performing:

Thursday, February 19th @ 10pm w/ MADE of BEES: Made of Bees performs fast paced, aggressive improvisation. With just one suggestion, these improvisers thrust you into a world of bold characters that are guaranteed to give you a comedy buzz. Made of Bees: improv that stings.

Friday, February 20th @ 11:30pm w/ iProv: iProv: the completely musical improv experience, is a show dedicated to all things melodic! Join our talented troupe of musically-inclined improvisers as they explore a wide variety of games and jams where the music, scenes, and especially songs are all based on your suggestions! You’ll go home humming a tune that didn’t even exist only moments earlier!

**Both performances will be held at the DSI Comedy Theater. I hear the theater has a pretty hunky owner, too.

I will also be performing with ComedySportz — the interactive improv comedy experience! Check out the times & locations here.

Here are some other amazing shows you should check out while your down there: Jill Bernard‘s Drum Machine, The Beatbox, MISTER DIPLOMAT, The Josh & Tamra Show, MC Chris, SNL’s Bryan Tucker (who hails from Richmond, VA!), and of COURSE fellow Richmond team FULL CONTACT IMPROV! 

It is guaranteed to be an awesome week full of hilarity. So, I better see you there. 

Check out NCCAF on the web: http://www.nccomedyarts.com
Check out the DSI Comedy theatre: http://www.dsicomedy.com
NCCAF on TWITTER!: http://twitter.com/nccomedyarts
NCCAF Tumblr blog: http://nccomedyarts.tumblr.com
News coverage here.

See you then!

All for now.

I have never been in a car accident *knock on wood* — (it’s Friday the 13th so karma is probably going to severely bite me in the ass for saying that). But, if I were to EVER be in a car accident, let alone be ejected from the vehicle, there are a few things that I would worry about.

1. Have I broken any bones?

2. Will I be able to walk?

3. Am I or is anyone else involved in the accident dead?

4. Did I remember to set my DVR to record LOST?

Things I would NOT be worrying about:

1. Whether or not I broke a nail.

That’s it. I wouldn’t worry if I broke my nails. In fact, that would be the last thing I would think about. “Aw crap, my car is totaled, I broke my left fibula, and my filangie is all messed up. But none of those things are my concern because my MANICURE IS RUINED.”

She'll cut you. No, seriously.

Well, Lee Redmond, the woman listed in the Guiness Book of World Record’s for her LONG fingernails, measuring a total of 28 feet long (the longest being her right thumb measuring 2 feet 11 inches), was in an accident early Tuesday (Feb. 10th) and lost/broke/severed her nails in the crash. Redmond had not cut her nails since 1979. The headline reads: “Woman’s record-length fingernails broken in crash.” Because that’s what makes the story.

I guess if I hadn’t cut my nails since 1979 I would be upset too. I guess I’ll never know, because I would never be that crazy as to NOT CUT MY NAILS FOR 30 YEARS.

All for now.

**Oh, and she went on Ellen a few years back. Watch the clip here. It’s HILARIOUS.

So, as a comedian, I have a tendency to try and crack a joke or throw in a little quip or “funny” at the most inopportune times. This has happened on multiple occasions. Often times it is something incredibly inappropriate which causes me to immediately retreat (mentally) and say to myself, “REALLY?! You just said that? You’re going to hell.” [ONLY after preparing my "post-rapture post" letters, of course.]

Inevitably, something like this happened this past Monday. I was shooting an industrial commercial for Armor laptops.

Computer in Shining Armor.

(Those are the laptops you can drop, kick, drop kick, or throw off a building and they’ll still work).

Well, the filming location was at the Luck Stone rock quarry in Goochland, Virginia (about 40 minutes away from my house in downtown Richmond). I get on location a bit early and wait in a small office. The other actors arrive along with the crew.

Mind you, it is 7:30am (which is normally when I am already at work), so folks are a bit tired and REAL quiet. Now, being a comedian, silence is tough, especially that early in the morning. Therefore, I am supposed to, nay, OBLIGATED to fill it.

As the director hands out paperwork for us to fill out (you know, so we can get paid), he hands me my form and says, “Just find a hard surface to write on.”

Without a hitch, I respond with, “Like my abs?”

The entire room stops and everyone looks at me.

Do I stop there? Nope. I continue to try and justify my idiocy. “Well, I have rock hard abs. Am I right? You know? Cause we’re at a rock quarry. It’s a pun.”

No one laughed. So I ask, “Too early for jokes?” Someone muttered, “Nope, it’s just too early for bad ones.”

PUN FAIL.

**Want to hear more stories about epic comment fails I have made? Let me know. Some are PRETTY bad.

That’s right, ladies and gents. Forget the FACTS is back this week with another episode of awesomeness bringing you opinions, not facts.

Topics this week include: Marijuana discovery, Chile, and Chris Brown. Oh, and Valentine’s Day too.

“Ryan and Molly want YOU to know the weeks top headlines. So sit back, relax, and forget the facts.”

THIS JUST IN.

Lawns across America are looking rather drab. Grills are not being fired up. Footballs are not being thrown. Laughs are not being laughed. Hammocks aren’t swinging. Cigars aren’t being smoked [which could be a good thing because cigar smokers are 53 times more likely to get cancer of the larynx]. Families are lamenting, “It’s just not the same. Something is missing.” That “missing something” is their beloved lawn gnomes.

No! NOT DAVID.

In a string of thefts, serial recycled-metal-weather-safe-alien-lawn-gnome-bandits are terrorizing the nation and walking away with many household’s beloved exterior decorations. No one knows why the alien-bandits are targeting lawn gnomes. But it’s happening. It has been hypothesized that it is a brutal battle of the recycled materials dating back to the premier of An Inconvenient Truth. Acrylic v. Found-recycled-metal. A battle of epic proportions.

Get a room, gnomes.

Who knows if the lawn gnomes will return? Will they band together in lawn-gnome-land and prepare to fight back? Or will they simply cower in fear and [eskimo]-kiss each other in the corner?

Let’s hope its the former, or else people will be forced to purchase new lawn decorations… from SkyMall.

Picture me this: a group of young girls eagerly putting on their jammies, serving up glasses of fruit punch, and gathering ‘round the television set preparing to watch the one beauty pageant they have anticipated all year long.

However, this pageant is not filled with smart, talented, and beautiful women. This particular spectacle spotlights Saudi Arabia’s finest… camels.

She only likes her "good hump" showing.

Judges and organizers of the annual affair outlined the qualities they look for in a crown-worthy camel: big eyes, long lashes, full lips, and a long neck – possibly 30 to 40 inches (up until the 30-40 inches part, I thought they were talking about Angelina Jolie). These features are all well and good, but the ever-growing and widely popular camel market is consequently giving our young, impressionable Saudi Arabian girls a false sense of what is beautiful and womanly. Plus, they spit when agitated. That’s not lady-like. [Not to mention their smoking habits].

And furthermore, what are the talent and Q&A portions of the camel-capades teaching our Saudi Arabian girls?

Saudi Arabia. That's that new Asian designer, right?

That it is okay to flaunt your “humps”? Hey, at least the camels couldn’t possibly have the same problem in the on-stage question as Miss Teen South Carolina did.

So, hey Saudi Arabia. I think it’s time you reevaluate what you deem “beautiful” — for the sake of the girls. Oh, and I really would not like to see [Saudi Arabia] premier an instant-Camel beauty pageant reality show.

This week’s episode of Forget the FACTS with Ryan & Molly features news, headlines, AND your weather. Check it out below.

Oh, and do you wanna see last week’s episode? Click here to see the official Forget the FACTS YouTube page!