Why do I do this?
You know, this. This blogging thing. All of it. All of the things. Why do I do all of the things? Well, there are a lot of reasons, but some are more important than others. You can read Part One here and Part Two here.
Today’s “Why” is going to take a little different angle. I’m going to tell you a little of my story. This is by no means the whole story, but it’s part of it, and it’s an important part of it that I want you to know.
Sure, I may be opening up myself to some scrutiny or some head scratches or I may even turn some of you off. But the truth is, it’s all the honest truth. And I’ve never once been anyone but myself on this blog and so it’s only right that I share this part of me with you.
Also, this post is long, I know, but it’s important.
I will say this up front: If you are not a Christian, if you are not religious at all, if you are an atheist, if you think liking Jesus isn’t cool or you think the whole thing is a crock and that I am a total nutcase, PLEASE, I beg you, don’t click out of this window. Just hear me out.
Yes, I am a Christian. Yes, I believe in Jesus Christ, I believe He is the Son of God and that He came to this earth to make the biggest sacrifice for you and me by dying on the cross and rising again.
But, I wasn’t always this way. In fact, people that knew me even three or four years ago know that I was basically the opposite.
Sure, I grew up “believing” in God. I grew up sometimes going to church on Christmas or Easter. I even had a brief stint in a worship band in middle school called “Doubting Thomas.” Yeah, I know. But I had no idea what I believed at my core.
Me in high school. No wonder I was picked on.
While I was super blessed to have an amazing family that loved and supported me as a child, the truth is, things weren’t always easy growing up. I was bullied, picked on, mocked. My mom was very sick and so I had to grow up pretty fast. We had a lot of extended family issues. Living each day in fear of my peers and in fear of losing my mom, I was on edge all the time. I quickly grew depressed and I found solace in comedy and making people laugh. I self-medicated through laughter.
But on the inside, I was angry and only getting angrier by the day. When my mom died my senior year of high school, I only became more angry. Why would a loving God do such a thing to a woman who was so good and so amazing? We didn’t deserve this. I didn’t deserve this.
I played the self-pity blame game. And so who did I blame? I blamed God. For everything.
And it only got worse.
In college I played around with my faith some more, but that’s what it was. It was a bunch of religious games I was playing and I didn’t have any sense or direction of what I was doing, what I was thinking, or where I was going spiritually. So I buried myself in school work, activities, and comedy. I was involved in everything and I did really well in school, but there was something missing within me. I just didn’t know what.
I graduated college and completely lost sight of everything. I was in debt, I was stressed, and I had completely cut anything religious, spiritual, or God related out of my life.
I would go so far as to say I hated God. I would openly say I didn’t believe in God. I would openly say that Christians were weird and crazy. I said and did things that I am not proud of. I was filled with darkness.
It’s almost ironic looking back on it now, because I was doing comedy and they were my best years of comedy. But my best years of comedy were being done when I was by far the unhappiest I’ve ever been. On the inside, I was a total mess.
Fast forward a few years and I’m in North Carolina. I’m at the lowest of my low point. I’m so beyond sad, lonesome, and lost, it wasn’t close to funny – yet I spent my nights and days trying to make people laugh.
Me and John… when we were merely co-workers.
Then I met John.
I knew he was a Christian and that he went to church every Sunday, but he wasn’t one of those “weird” Christians I always made fun of. He wasn’t one of those “crazy Christians” I talked about. He
was is cool, he was is normal, he was is hilarious, he was is super smart, and he was is extremely attractive. Okay, he was is HOT. HOTT.
At first, I didn’t ask questions, but there was a part of me that was breaking down walls within me.
After we’d been seeing each other for a short while, he casually mentioned he was going to check out a different church the next day and I don’t know what happened but all of a sudden I found myself asking, “Can I come with you?”
It had nothing to do with the fact that it was John going to church, he went to church every Sunday. Why didn’t I ask him earlier? All of a sudden there was a pull within me that told me to go.
And so we went to newhope Church in Durham, North Carolina.
And I haven’t missed a Sunday since. I was baptized on August 28th, 2011.
God did a work in me that day and has done a work in me every day since.
I realized that being a Christian isn’t about being perfect, it’s about realizing that God is perfect and that we are imperfect and are nothing without him.
I realized that being a Christian isn’t about being hateful, judgmental, or oppressive (I have a whole other post brewing about this exact topic, actually). It’s about realizing that Jesus came for the lost, He came for the sinners, He came for the worst of the worst – people like me – and He loved them regardless. In fact, it was the self-righteous and boastful people Jesus couldn’t stand.
From the moment I let go, stopped worrying what other people would think, and started being MYSELF, my TRUE SELF in Christ, that’s when my life turned around.
I woke up one day and said, “Okay God, I’ve been trying to do it my way for so long, and that clearly hasn’t worked. So, let’s try it Your way.”
I surrendered everything.
I surrendered my finances – and I became debt free.
I surrendered my relationships – and I’ve made some of the best friends I’ve ever had, I’m closer with my family, and my marriage is so rock solid.
I surrendered my sin – and even though I still fall short all the time, I know that through Him I can do anything.
And I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life.
And the Lord has YET to fail me. I could tell you story after story of the miracles that God has done in my life and that I have witnessed and felt since becoming a Christian.
If you had told me four years ago that I would be where I am now and that I would believe what I believe now and that I would be doing what I’m doing now, I would have looked at you like you have six eyes.
But the truth is, I am living proof. If the Lord can do a work in me and make a change in someone like me, He can do a work in anyone and He can make a change in anyone.
And so, to answer the initial question of “Why I Do This?” – well, part of that answer is to hopefully witness to others that yes, you can love beauty and fashion and love and life AND be a Christian. And that Christians are just imperfect people chasing after a perfect Savior. That’s all I am.
I just want to love people (ALL people), serve people (ALL people), and make people laugh.
I am still the same old me. I still act ridiculous all the time. I still love making people laugh.
Yeah, that’s me.
After all of this time, I’m still being me. I’m still being Molly. (Get it?)
This is already a crazy long post and I could go on for days. I will write more about this later, but something told me to write this now. So I did.
I got an email from a reader this week that confirmed that I’m on the right track – I may not get it right all the time, but it’s emails like this that encourage me:
First, let me say I LOVE your blog! One of my favorite ways to relax and have a smile is to catch up on reading it. [...]
I’m emailing because I have recently started going to church again after a long (at least 7 years) hiatus. I was raised Catholic and though I have always had God in my heart, I struggled with some of the things that went on in the Catholic Church and that were taught. I am now going to a local New Hope church and I LOVE it! I look forward to Sundays when I can go be with God and other individuals who worship Him. [...]
On that note, I really want to study the bible and know The Lord in a way I have never wanted to before. But, I don’t know where to start. I was never really taught how to read the bible, and it wasn’t a big thing in my family. I don’t know the first thing about where to go or what to study. Reading the entire bible seems very daunting me right now and I don’t want to start for fear of not being able to finish, or of working so hard to finish that I don’t get anything out of it. I would like to start small, and work my way to it.
[...] I truly see you living a life full of Christ and hope I can be more like that in the future.
It’s because of e-mails like that. That’s why I do this.
If you made it all the way through this post, thank you. Glad you stuck around. And even if you still think I’m crazy, I hope you can understand I’m just being real.
What about you? Why do YOU do what you do?