I’ve been hiding this from the world. Not many know this about me. For a long time, my parents didn’t even know. Well, my mom didn’t know, but my dad, deep down, he knew. My sister knew, because I’m close with her. My best friends knew, because they confronted me when I wasn’t cheering for their team. The more I’ve thought about it, the more it has eaten me up inside. And it’s time that I told EVERYONE.

I ALWAYS banked on Bernie.

That’s right, people. I’m… a CLEVELAND BROWNS FAN. Phew! I feel so much better now. Man, does it feel GOOD to get that off my chest! I’ve been afraid for a very long time to admit to the entire WORLD that I’m a Browns fan. Those closest to me always knew that I LOVE me some Bernie Kosar. (By the way, we need him back. I don’t care if he is like 50 something now. He was the best thing to ever happen. to us. ever.). I love me some Brown and Orange. I love me some Dog Pound. I hate me some Ravens.

You know, people have asked me, “Molly, when did you know?” And I say, “I’ve always known.” I’ve been a Browns fan since the day I was born. It’s not in my control. There have been Sundays, Mondays, and Thursdays, where I have sat home crying by myself wishing I loved another team. But I don’t, I can’t. No matter how much I beg God to change me, he won’t. I love a horrible football team. It’s in my blood.

We weren’t always horrible. In fact, before the damn Super Bowl existed, we were good. REALLY good. How good? This is how good:

We were DIVISION Champions:

• AAFC Western Division: 1946, 1947, 1948, 1949
• NFL Century Division: 1967, 1968, 1969

(and when we had the BERNIE, we were good!):

• AFC Central Division Champs: 1971, 1980, 1985, 1986, 1987, 1989

We were even CONFERENCE Champions:

• NFL Eastern Conference: 1953, 1954, 1955, 1957, 1964, 1965, 1968, 1969
• NFL American Conference: 1950, 1951, 1952

And then, there were the NFL Championships (this was the equivalent of the Super Bowl before the Super Bowl existed):

• AAFC Champions: 1946, 1947, 1948, 1949
• NFL Champions: 1950, 1954, 1955, 1964

We’ve, of course, been to the playoffs. But that’s neither here, nor there.

You know, there was even a time when I couldn’t love any team. I call those the DARK AGES. From 1996-1999 when the evil, EVIL, Art Moddell SOLD my beloved Browns to Baltimore to make an even more evil thing, THE BALTIMORE RAVENS. This is why I hate the Ravens, Edgar Allen Poe’s The Raven, seafood, piers, and Baltimore at large. They stole my team. My players. And then they even won the Super Bowl with them. Have the Browns won a Super Bowl? No.

I don’t want to talk about that.

[*SIDE NOTE: By the way, I put up with the Ravens now because a good friend and sorority sister of mine from college is now a Ravenette. Yes, I know an actual Ravenette. So I deal. ]

But now, we’re back. We (the BROWNS) came back in 1999. And we came back not strong. In the 10 years we’ve been back, we’ve had 6 coaches, like 18 offensive coordinators, and a gazillion quarterbacks. We’ve been to the playoffs ONCE since we’ve been back, and that was a lucky shot. I think the Steelers had jaundice that day or something – so that was like beating a kitten in a poker game.

And that leaves me to where I am today. Loving a team that nobody loves. Well, my dad loves them, and this random guy I knew in college loves them. But it’s hard. It’s like being married to a crack addict. You know that they need to get off the crack, and it tears you up inside, but you can’t leave them. … Man, that is a horrible analogy.

You know what I mean. We are heading into Week 7 and the Browns are 1-5. Great.

But I don’t care. I’m going to sport my vintage KOSAR jersey and be proud of who I am and who I love.

Nothing can stop me.

Not even you, Chris Cooley. You sexy Redskin.

All for now.

You guessed it. (Actually, you probably did not guess it). The SNUGGIE mania is back, bolder, better, and booklightier than ever. As I was working early this morning I had my TV on in the background to serve as, you know, “white noise.” And suddenly IT came on the television screen. The new and revised SNUGGIE commercial.

Whether or not we want to admit it, the Snuggie was, in fact, the number ONE gift for Christmas last year. And being that it is already October 12th, the Snuggie corporation is trying to think of a new way of promoting the SAME product they sold last year to make it, once again, the number one gift for Hanukah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, whathaveyou. Except this time they have chose to spice up their marketing with more Snuggie colors, patterns, and a DOG snuggie option (I covered my feelings about this in an earlier post). This new commercial even features HORRIBLE dancing. I mean, bad. Really bad raising of the roof.

Please note at 1:01, the only man in the stands NOT wearing a Snuggie is obnoxiously shivering, yet he is wearing an ACTUAL coat. Just thought I’d point that out.

It can’t be true. No, it just can’t be. My whole life (well, since July of 1994) I have lived in a fantasy world. Of SEAL. A one-named man whose sultry voice, inspiring lyrics, and scarface, have inspired me to sing karaoke many, many a time.

SEAL will always be SEAL to me.

But all of this was created in an image. No, not God’s image, Molly Buckley’s image. To me, he is SEAL. Nothing more, nothing less. An attractive, wonderful, smart, African-American man named after an adorable sea creature, thing.

This actual seal is reacting to the realization that SEAL has a last name.

And now it’s all RUINED. Heidi Klum, Seal’s amazingly hot wife (which I am totally comfortable admitting) has announced that she is going to finally take on Seal’s last name. This came as a total shock to me. I mean, he doesn’t have one, that’s why she never took it to begin with. But, alas, I have been duped. He does. And it is: SAMUEL. HIS NAME IS SEAL SAMUEL. ohmahgod.

Heidi Klum will now be Heidi Samuel.

Seal is now Seal Samuel. That is quite possibly the worst last name for a man named Seal ever.

THIS JUST IN. It’s OHmahgod, BREAKING NEWS.

I have been just informed that Seal Samuel is, in fact, his name… but only PART OF IT. That’s right, folks. Seal’s FULL NAME IS:

Seal Henry Olusegun Olumide Adeola Samuel

Say THAT three times fast. No wonder he only went by SEAL.

I have to admit, that YES, I am disappointed in him. For lying to me all these years. He has now been rebirthed, in my eyes. He is no longer Seal. SEAL is dead to me. He is Seal Henry Olusegun Olumide Adeola Samuel. Forever and for always.

True dat.

I’m going to now include the BATMAN FOREVER video version of Kiss From a Rose to mourn the deal of SEAL as I knew him. Enjoy SEAL with an open chested black silk shirt. I know I do.

Like um, this is real. I hope someone, like um, invents a candy, gum, beer, or like um, clothing line called “Like Um’s” because I think he would like um, be the perfect like um, spokesman. At first, I was like um, convinced this was a, um, joke. Although, sadly, it is not. Was not. Is not. It’s not a, like um, joke.

What I like, um, is they even created a REMIX. Like um, duh, that had to happen. Like um.

This is a hot, like um, song. I hope I hear it in the clubs, like um, soon. Drop the, like um, beat.

Like um, all for now.

I don’t care what you say. Why in GOD’S NAME would they want to create a SNUGGIE for dogs? Snuggie’s for humans were bad enough, but a four-legged creature does not need a backwards robe.

Now look at this. This is a picture of my dog, Audrey. She’s adorable. Precious even. A gift from the doggie heavens. BUT she does not look cold in any way.

No snuggie needed.

Now look at this dog. He is adorable. On his own. He does not look cold. In fact, he looks uncomfortable. He is saying, “For the love of all things sacred, take this thing off of me.”

is that a dog or a burrito?

Everything about this is NOT okay.

So folks, don’t buy in to the Snuggie hype. Stand strong. And don’t put your dog in a backwards robe.

ADDENDUM TO POST: October 12, 2009 the SNUGGIE DOG COMMERCIAL

This is the SECOND edition of Molly’s HOW TO posts. I figure that over the years, I have gained some really important knowledge and it is my duty to disseminate that knowledge to the interwebs and those who peruse the interwebs.

you don't have to be THIS guy to look and sound smart.

This week’s edition: “HOW TO: Seem a WHOLE lot smarter than you really are.”

Let’s be honest, these days, people are judged not only on how they look, but also by their breadth of knowledge of hot topics. Being smart is now SEXY. Well, not all of us are MIT grads or Nobel Prize winners, BUT that doesn’t mean that we can’t keep up with the Jones’s and at least, SOUND smart. So, here are just a few ways that YOU, too can sound like a walking encyclopedia Britannica.

STEP ONE: Vocabulary. Using big words will ALWAYS get you far. This doesn’t mean that you need to bust out the dictionary and make 1,000 flash cards… this just simply means that you have to learn a few key words and keep them in your big-word-vocabulary-arsenal. Here are a few to get you started:

• pedagogy: the art or science of being a teacher, types of instruction
• jargon: terminology which is especially defined in relationship to a specific activity, profession, or group
• aforementioned: mentioning something that came previously in conversation or a written piece (i.e. the aforementioned vocabulary words)
• subsequently: following, afterwards
• engender: to cause to exist, develop, procreate, beget (also a good word to use)
• derision: the use of ridicule or scorn to show contempt
• disseminate: to sow and scatter principles, ideas, opinions, and errors for growth and propagation, like seed

Memorize these. Love them. Then use them in conversation. It is COMPLETELY okay to steer a conversation in a specific direction in order to set you up to use one of these words.

STEP TWO: Reference Shakespeare or Oscar Wilde. This is simple. Memorize at least one quote from each. Then, in conversation simply say, “You know, this is just like that old Shakespearean/Wildeian saying… INSERT QUOTE HERE.” You will wow any crowd with your recitation.

Good examples of quotes:

• “Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff / As dreams are made on; and our little life / Is rounded with a sleep.” -William Shakespeare’s THE TEMPEST.
• “America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up.” -Oscar Wilde

STEP THREE: Memorize at least one current fact about the economy. This is pretty self-explanatory. Look up something from the stock ticker and bring it up in conversation. No need to explain, just say, “MAN, CAN YOU BELIEVE _________?” Then simply say, “I know man, me too…”

STEP FOUR: Say you ONLY read The Economist. People magazine, US Weekly, and the comic section are things of the past for you. The Economist is the only trusted, and unbiased source for information, and you read it. Daily. No questions. [The key is you don't ACTUALLY have to read it... just look at a few headlines and make sh*t up as you go. You're the king of knowledge now. OWN IT.]

There you have it. You are now on your way to sounding a whole lot smarter than you really are. Own it. Live it. LOVE IT. Fake it.

All for now.

So, I know that our beloved country’s birthday was last weekend, but for some reason, I’ve been feeling extra patriotic lately. Maybe it’s because I know that our President is the best fly swatter we have, maybe it’s because of so many beautiful people coming together for the death of Michael Jackson, or maybe it’s because I look REALLY good in royal blue. I don’t know. To be honest, I’m not sure.

But what I do know, is that this man has inspired me. I don’t know why I hadn’t seen this earlier, and frankly, I’m disappointed that I hadn’t until now. This treasured officer of the law serenades and gives the gift of angelic song to a large crowd in downtown Chattanooga, Tennessee at a beautiful ceremony to remember fallen officers.

Watch his incredible version of our National Anthem. (Lyrics provided):

Oh say can you see
by the dawns early ligh, what so hella twilight
at da last gleamin no try, who broa so is fight
oh da rampits we watch, and mistreamin
and da rockets red glare, bombs burstin in air
gave proot tru da night, dat da star duh still dere
oh say ahhhhhhhhhhey wait
WAVE
and da home of da FREE

Wasn’t that absolutely incredible? Doesn’t it just make you want to light a sparkler and make out the mayor of your town while watching 1776: The Musical? At least for me, it does.

Happy Birthday, America. 

This one’s for you!

Are you on Twitter? Do you even know what I’m talking about? Well, if you are, then you should join my “Twibe.” What’s a twibe? Well, according to the Twibes “HELP” page:

A twibe is a group of Twitter users interested in a common topic who would like to be able to communicate with each other.  On each twibe’s page, there is a list of twibe members.  There is also a tweet stream that lists tweets from twibe members which contain key word tags. Tags are set by the twibe founder and are listed just above the tweet stream.  You can browse through twibes that have already been created by going to www.twibes.com/twitter-groups.  

So, being the natural joiner and go-getter that I am, I decided to create a few Twibes… since these in particular were not already in existence. 

The “Social Media Coaching” Twibe: http://www.twibes.com/group/socialmediacoaching

• This group is for anyone and everyone who is excited about social media, coaching, social media coaching, and networking. Any combination of those words, really. Check it out. Join it. Share information. Be awesome.

The “Improv” Twibe: http://www.twibes.com/group/improv

• Okay, so this doesn’t really have anything to do with social media, but improvisation is my other passion, so of course when I saw the opportunity to create a Twibe for it, you know I jumped on that train. So, I thought I’d plug it here.
• This Twibe is for anyone with a passion for laughter, comedy, positive attitudes, unconditional support, and the philosophy of “Yes, and…” Check it out. Share it. Join. Love. 

I have to admit, I chuckle to myself a little bit every time I say the word “Twibe.” Simply because it sounds like a 7-year-old-girl with her 2 front teeth missing asking a question about an Indian reservation or the College of William & Mary. 

So many new clients! So much excitement. So much awesome.

So much.

Now, doesn't Leslie look thrilled in her couture-like bedazzle sweater? She's putting money RIGHT back in your pockets!

I am officially a genius. I’ve done it. I have the solution to all of our problems. Why didn’t I think of this earlier? The economy sucks. We’re in a recession. Jobs are being lost. People are just down right stressed, flustered, annoyed, crusty, dry… heck, people are just a myriad of negative emotions and feelings right now. Well, here is the way to fix it.

That’s right, you’ve not guessed it. A bedazzler.

This infamous, yet often forgotten product first appeared in the 1970′s allowing young girls and girly men to add rhinestones and sparkles to their clothing, jewelry, and miscellaneous accessories. However, the use of the bedazzler dwindled in the late 90′s and early 2000′s–kids today don’t even know what it is.

Sales of the bedazzler went down? The economy went down. We went into a recession. Correlation? I think not.

++++++

Here are THREE reasons why the bedazzler would improve our economy:

1. Sparkle documents. Yes, the bedazzler could even be used on tax forms and Senate legislation. Who wouldn’t smile at a rhinestone star over top of your 1099′s? I would.
2. Karl Rove. Sure, he’s out of the picture. But he’s on twitter. And if you’re on twitter you still hold some power. Well, Karl Rove is like that sleeper cell waiting to reappear at any moment. Give Rovey a glue gun and some dazzles, that man could do some damage, awesome damage, that is.
3. Job creation. No, I’m not Sarah Palin. But I know how to create jobs, and I can see Russia from my house [onGoogleEarth].  Anyway, since the bedazzler went down hill, production went down. It’s all about supply and demand. Demand goes up? People need to get BACK TO WORK making those bedazzle machines. That’s going to create at least 100 jobs. At least.
   

   Even B-lister's need a little economic bailout.

Oh, and a tentative benefit to bringing back the bedazzler would be an increase in rentals of the movie BEDAZZLED starring Brenden Frasier and Elizabeth Hurley. Anything helps, really.

So, I’m going to go call Barack and let him know my plan. I know Sasha and Malia will have my back. Bo, the dog, probably won’t, because glue scares him.

All for now.

**After I wrote this post I was directed to this FABULOUS video by @filthyrichmond (on Twitter). I present to you: Leslie & the Ly’s “BEAT DAZZLER.” (It seems to me that the more they dance the more faith American’s have in their country. Well done, Leslie. Leslie is also featured in the picture above).

No new post this week, because I sold out and wrote a guest post for the MISTER DIPLOMAT comedy blog. Yeah, that’s right, I did it. And I’m not ashamed. But it’s pretty funny and I’m pretty proud of it, [and by pretty funny I mean REAL funny], therefore you should and have to check it out. 

My guest post rocks your world so click here to read it.

THIS GUY might even be making an appearance in it.

Oh, and I leave for LAS VEGAS in less than 6 hours. RAWSOME. 

All for now.