Like um, this is real. I hope someone, like um, invents a candy, gum, beer, or like um, clothing line called “Like Um’s” because I think he would like um, be the perfect like um, spokesman. At first, I was like um, convinced this was a, um, joke. Although, sadly, it is not. Was not. Is not. It’s not a, like um, joke.

What I like, um, is they even created a REMIX. Like um, duh, that had to happen. Like um.

This is a hot, like um, song. I hope I hear it in the clubs, like um, soon. Drop the, like um, beat.

Like um, all for now.

I don’t care what you say. Why in GOD’S NAME would they want to create a SNUGGIE for dogs? Snuggie’s for humans were bad enough, but a four-legged creature does not need a backwards robe.

Now look at this. This is a picture of my dog, Audrey. She’s adorable. Precious even. A gift from the doggie heavens. BUT she does not look cold in any way.

No snuggie needed.

Now look at this dog. He is adorable. On his own. He does not look cold. In fact, he looks uncomfortable. He is saying, “For the love of all things sacred, take this thing off of me.”

is that a dog or a burrito?

Everything about this is NOT okay.

So folks, don’t buy in to the Snuggie hype. Stand strong. And don’t put your dog in a backwards robe.

ADDENDUM TO POST: October 12, 2009 the SNUGGIE DOG COMMERCIAL

This is the SECOND edition of Molly’s HOW TO posts. I figure that over the years, I have gained some really important knowledge and it is my duty to disseminate that knowledge to the interwebs and those who peruse the interwebs.

you don't have to be THIS guy to look and sound smart.

This week’s edition: “HOW TO: Seem a WHOLE lot smarter than you really are.”

Let’s be honest, these days, people are judged not only on how they look, but also by their breadth of knowledge of hot topics. Being smart is now SEXY. Well, not all of us are MIT grads or Nobel Prize winners, BUT that doesn’t mean that we can’t keep up with the Jones’s and at least, SOUND smart. So, here are just a few ways that YOU, too can sound like a walking encyclopedia Britannica.

STEP ONE: Vocabulary. Using big words will ALWAYS get you far. This doesn’t mean that you need to bust out the dictionary and make 1,000 flash cards… this just simply means that you have to learn a few key words and keep them in your big-word-vocabulary-arsenal. Here are a few to get you started:

• pedagogy: the art or science of being a teacher, types of instruction
• jargon: terminology which is especially defined in relationship to a specific activity, profession, or group
• aforementioned: mentioning something that came previously in conversation or a written piece (i.e. the aforementioned vocabulary words)
• subsequently: following, afterwards
• engender: to cause to exist, develop, procreate, beget (also a good word to use)
• derision: the use of ridicule or scorn to show contempt
• disseminate: to sow and scatter principles, ideas, opinions, and errors for growth and propagation, like seed

Memorize these. Love them. Then use them in conversation. It is COMPLETELY okay to steer a conversation in a specific direction in order to set you up to use one of these words.

STEP TWO: Reference Shakespeare or Oscar Wilde. This is simple. Memorize at least one quote from each. Then, in conversation simply say, “You know, this is just like that old Shakespearean/Wildeian saying… INSERT QUOTE HERE.” You will wow any crowd with your recitation.

Good examples of quotes:

• “Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff / As dreams are made on; and our little life / Is rounded with a sleep.” -William Shakespeare’s THE TEMPEST.
• “America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up.” -Oscar Wilde

STEP THREE: Memorize at least one current fact about the economy. This is pretty self-explanatory. Look up something from the stock ticker and bring it up in conversation. No need to explain, just say, “MAN, CAN YOU BELIEVE _________?” Then simply say, “I know man, me too…”

STEP FOUR: Say you ONLY read The Economist. People magazine, US Weekly, and the comic section are things of the past for you. The Economist is the only trusted, and unbiased source for information, and you read it. Daily. No questions. [The key is you don't ACTUALLY have to read it... just look at a few headlines and make sh*t up as you go. You're the king of knowledge now. OWN IT.]

There you have it. You are now on your way to sounding a whole lot smarter than you really are. Own it. Live it. LOVE IT. Fake it.

All for now.

So, I know that our beloved country’s birthday was last weekend, but for some reason, I’ve been feeling extra patriotic lately. Maybe it’s because I know that our President is the best fly swatter we have, maybe it’s because of so many beautiful people coming together for the death of Michael Jackson, or maybe it’s because I look REALLY good in royal blue. I don’t know. To be honest, I’m not sure.

But what I do know, is that this man has inspired me. I don’t know why I hadn’t seen this earlier, and frankly, I’m disappointed that I hadn’t until now. This treasured officer of the law serenades and gives the gift of angelic song to a large crowd in downtown Chattanooga, Tennessee at a beautiful ceremony to remember fallen officers.

Watch his incredible version of our National Anthem. (Lyrics provided):

Oh say can you see
by the dawns early ligh, what so hella twilight
at da last gleamin no try, who broa so is fight
oh da rampits we watch, and mistreamin
and da rockets red glare, bombs burstin in air
gave proot tru da night, dat da star duh still dere
oh say ahhhhhhhhhhey wait
WAVE
and da home of da FREE

Wasn’t that absolutely incredible? Doesn’t it just make you want to light a sparkler and make out the mayor of your town while watching 1776: The Musical? At least for me, it does.

Happy Birthday, America. 

This one’s for you!

Forget the FACTS is all about the comedy. and the gum chewing. and the shark jumping. don’t worry, we would never jump the shark. or would we? nah, we’d just joke about it.

Good bits. Good comedy. A lot of gum chewing. Watch this week’s episode and you’ll see what I mean.

Now, doesn't Leslie look thrilled in her couture-like bedazzle sweater? She's putting money RIGHT back in your pockets!

I am officially a genius. I’ve done it. I have the solution to all of our problems. Why didn’t I think of this earlier? The economy sucks. We’re in a recession. Jobs are being lost. People are just down right stressed, flustered, annoyed, crusty, dry… heck, people are just a myriad of negative emotions and feelings right now. Well, here is the way to fix it.

That’s right, you’ve not guessed it. A bedazzler.

This infamous, yet often forgotten product first appeared in the 1970′s allowing young girls and girly men to add rhinestones and sparkles to their clothing, jewelry, and miscellaneous accessories. However, the use of the bedazzler dwindled in the late 90′s and early 2000′s–kids today don’t even know what it is.

Sales of the bedazzler went down? The economy went down. We went into a recession. Correlation? I think not.

++++++

Here are THREE reasons why the bedazzler would improve our economy:

1. Sparkle documents. Yes, the bedazzler could even be used on tax forms and Senate legislation. Who wouldn’t smile at a rhinestone star over top of your 1099′s? I would.
2. Karl Rove. Sure, he’s out of the picture. But he’s on twitter. And if you’re on twitter you still hold some power. Well, Karl Rove is like that sleeper cell waiting to reappear at any moment. Give Rovey a glue gun and some dazzles, that man could do some damage, awesome damage, that is.
3. Job creation. No, I’m not Sarah Palin. But I know how to create jobs, and I can see Russia from my house [onGoogleEarth].  Anyway, since the bedazzler went down hill, production went down. It’s all about supply and demand. Demand goes up? People need to get BACK TO WORK making those bedazzle machines. That’s going to create at least 100 jobs. At least.
   

   Even B-lister's need a little economic bailout.

Oh, and a tentative benefit to bringing back the bedazzler would be an increase in rentals of the movie BEDAZZLED starring Brenden Frasier and Elizabeth Hurley. Anything helps, really.

So, I’m going to go call Barack and let him know my plan. I know Sasha and Malia will have my back. Bo, the dog, probably won’t, because glue scares him.

All for now.

**After I wrote this post I was directed to this FABULOUS video by @filthyrichmond (on Twitter). I present to you: Leslie & the Ly’s “BEAT DAZZLER.” (It seems to me that the more they dance the more faith American’s have in their country. Well done, Leslie. Leslie is also featured in the picture above).

No new post this week, because I sold out and wrote a guest post for the MISTER DIPLOMAT comedy blog. Yeah, that’s right, I did it. And I’m not ashamed. But it’s pretty funny and I’m pretty proud of it, [and by pretty funny I mean REAL funny], therefore you should and have to check it out. 

My guest post rocks your world so click here to read it.

THIS GUY might even be making an appearance in it.

Oh, and I leave for LAS VEGAS in less than 6 hours. RAWSOME. 

All for now.

Below is the generic cover letter than I am generically submitting to all famous people, politicos, and celebrities who are looking for a ghost-tweeter on Twitter.

oooooo! spooky-tweets!

+++++++++++++++

Dear Famous Person:

I am contacting you in regards to the position of “Famous-Person-Ghost-Tweeter” that you advertised in Life. No, not the magazine. Life, as in what we are all experiencing at this very moment. I feel that I am extremely qualified to fill the position of your ghost tweeter.

My qualifications include: experienced tweeter, pop culture expert, eating burritos on-the-go, crafting one-liners on command, relevant @replier, guru, master of wording smart/witty/intelligent phrases, and doing the paparazzi’s job for them in 140 characters or less. I know how to make your tweets sound intellectual, honest, and legit–without being too overbearing for your followers. Oh, and I am REALLY good at including irrelevant # marks when necessary.

For example, if I were to tweet for @THE_REAL_SHAQ, I would probably include a quip or two about being tall or dominating people on and off the court. Or,  if I were to tweet for @britneyspears, I would talk about my sons, my new haircut, rock and roll, or say “ya’ll” a lot.

No twisearch (twitter-research) necessary, or perhaps twisearch necessary. Regardless, I would cater your tweets to your tweeds (twitter-needs). You would have so many followers that Twitter would be officially TWNED (twitter-pwned).

I would really like the opportunity for a personal interview. You would be able to see and experience first-hand my outgoing personality and can-do, go-getter attitude; all of which are qualities VITAL to being a successful famous-person-ghost-tweeter. I look forward to being interviewed at your earliest convenience. I would even let you take me to a fancy five-star lunch at no-cost to me. You may contact me at mollybuckley[at]yahoo[dot]com. Thank you so much for your twime and twinsideration (time and consideration, get it? It’s twitter-language).

Sincerely,

Molly Buckley

+++++++++++++++

Well, here’s hoping!

All for now.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! 

And what a lucky day/week it has been. A lot of awesome stuff going on. Oh, and of course a brand new episode of Forget the FACTS is up today. Ryan & I are having a lot of fun bringing you the news, headlines, and doing bits in front of an iSight Camera. 

If you like our videos, please share them. Also, rate them. Comment on them. Tweet them. Facebook them. Whatever. We’re just trying to bring you the news. You know what I mean!

This week’s video includes a new segment, AIG bits, St. Patty’s Day cultural correspondent Melina, girl scout cookies, and a frog wedding. What could be better than that? Nothing.  

Top o’ the Tuesday to you!

**Oh, and if you watched 24 this week, Jack Bauer is officially the most badass rogue agent ever. A bulldozer? REALLY?!

check it out: http://www.molly-buckley.com is dedicated to all things social & new media.

http://mollyhastwothumbs.com is dedicated to all things COMEDY!